wow!

I had no idea anyone would even look at this seeing as it has been over a year since I updated. I was still really cool, though, because I was greatly encouraged by the comments everybody left. So, thank you :)

Growing up has been such a learning experience for me ever since I graduated from Cedarville. It is weird: I feel like I was such a child even in college and, even now, I feel as though I am much older then I was. I know I am still pretty young, but I feel considerably more knowledgable inside. I feel like I have lived years and years and years in just two little years. I guess that's what comes of having to reconcile ideals with reality. All of my life I have been told one thing or another, and it is just ironic how events and feelings and relationships acutally occur. In some ways, it has been saddening. I use to think that people lived forever--at least people I knew. I use to think that only "bad" people did bad things. I use to think that satisfaction came from accomplishments and jobs and titles. I am begining to see that life is a stretch--each step is a choice and each choice brings you someplace you might not have ever thought you could be in. I use to think that my life was already decided by myself, but everyday I am surprised to see where all of this has turned out. Sometimes I like to picture what would have happened if I had just taken a different direction with my first major or with my job choices or with my thoughts. I think I would have had a very different life. Would that have been better? Would I be happier? I think, ultimately, although your destiny is defined by what you chose, you are the choser and you define your choices. I am always me, no matter what type of decisions I have made along the way. Sure, sometimes my decisions bring me away from myself and who I truly am....but, deep down inside, I am still erin. Like it or not, I was made this way and I am probably going to be this way till I die.

anyhow, growing up isnt too bad of an event. Somedays I miss being a kid and playing without a thought or care concerning anything. Mostly, however, I embrace life and try to live it. Focus on the past can get me into trouble, that's for sure. And so can focus on the future. It is only the present I am allotted.

thanks folks for the encouragment :)

i doubt anybody still looks at this, but im feeling blue and want to talk to something.

i am trying to get into this nursing program at a hospital by my house. they train you for a bs in nursing in 13 months if you already have a degree. and, if you remember from all my previous posts, i do have a degree. alas, i want to get into this program more than I have ever wanted to do anything in my whole life. unfortunately, i just dont think they were too impressed with me or with my application (they had personal interviews with all of the perspective students who applied to the program). i had my interview yesterday, and I left the building with that feeling of blah.....i had that same feeling after an interview at a christian school in georgia right after i graduated. I really really wanted that job, too, and i was pretty sure i would be offered the position. after the interview, however, i just had such a sinking feeling that I wouldnt get the position. i was right. anyhow, i have that feeling about this nursing program now. it really sucks becasue i wont know their decisions until mid july so i have to wait a long time.

i just feel like i have these dreams and I never get to realize them because i keep getting thwarted along my way. i know that God's got something for me, but at this point in my life i feel like ive wasted SO much time just blahing.... it seems like its taking a  really long time for me to accomplish anything.

on top of all this, i'm taking science prerequisities in order to qualifiy for the afore mentioned nursing program. one of the classes i am currently in is anatomy. man, it is so hard! we just ahd a huge test where were had to identify structures on cadavers and bones and brains and lungs and hearts. it was so hard. i thought i knew were some of hese things were but whne you have thirty seconds for each question, you get a little freaked out. i know i didnt do so hot. and im disapointed in myself.

it sucks right now being me. i am so burned out on school and work and doing all that at the same time (as I have been for almost two years post graduation). i really just need a vacation and some good news.

its hard to have a dream or two or three and watch as, one by one, they keep getting crushed. i almost wanna give up and work in food service my whole life. hahah. except that it sucks :(

well, off to microbiology.